Currently Listening Crash By Dave Matthews Band see related

- Let You Down

Do you ever hurt so much you can't gather up the strength to even describe it in words?  It sucks up so much of your energy. You don't even want to cry anymore, you get mad at yourself when you do. Even though you want to cry all the time. I remember being hurt in the past. Each time was for a different reason.  There were times when I felt like my heart was literally breaking, and it hurt so badly, yet I didn't want it so stop.  It's like I wanted to suffer to make myself know how much I could care for somebody.  Then, time goes by, and those memories fade, the scars get paler and paler.  But why does it feel like I've never hurt like this before?  Have I been that bad? Does karma have it in for me? How can I love someone so much and feel the way I do? What did I do to not deserve his love? There are times when I feel like I know in my heart that he loves me.  Or maybe it's just how he makes ME feel...like I don't want to be anywhere else.  How can he tell me that he isn't emotionally or physically attached to me while looking down and letting tears fall down his cheek? If he's sittin in his car, making me listen to Dave Matthew's "I Let You Down" song at close to 6:00 a.m., doesn't that mean something?  Or maybe I just want it to mean something. Do you know how silly it feels to love someone with all your heart, to know that it's probably better for you to leave them, but you have that hope in your heart that one day, they're going to wake up and realize just how much they love you, and how stupid they are for letting you walk away? To think about someone all night, hoping they show up, and at the end of their night just getting their voicemail, and you wonder if they even thought about you once?  And to know that there was once a time when it was the other way around, when you didn't care...but somehow you came around, and now things aren't the same. Don't you wish you could just turn back time? I hate feeling this way, desperate almost, any act mimicking my love I embrace, and cherish and never let go. It's sad that I have to search for them, it's like a way for me to prove to others and myself that what I'm doing, what I'm feeling is worthwhile. I hang onto those moments so tightly, they are my hope, my justification. There are times when I wish I just had the strength to walk away. I almost wish I never met him. I wish I really knew how he felt, so I knew whether or not I should stick around. I wish I didn't love him this much, so I could just summon up the courage to walk away and never look back....Erase all the images in my head. I don't know how it started, and I don't know how to stop it....I just don't want to hurt anymore....

If I live life without love, I gotta redefine my purpose...
Current mood:  thoughtful

I ripped this from one of my friends dope rhymes. This one line has a multitude of meaning...for me it means, taking risks. Not caring for once that I might be the first to fall, and that there might not be someone there to catch me. Not thinking so much about what I can get in a relationship, but what I can give. Remembering that it's not only good to feel loved, but to give love, even if I'm not quite sure whether or not they feel the same.

As practical an ideal as I would like life to be, reality is, it's not. I've got to realize that not everyone is like me. I can't expect everyone to be at my pace, just b/c I'm falling, doesn't mean they have to be falling at that exact moment too. I mean, it'd be nice, but not realistic. If I want it that badly with that person, and boyyy do I, I can't push the issue. I just gotta go with the flow, listen to my heart. Although I know that even as time passes he may never feel that way, at least I knew I took that chance.

My best friend said, "You'll meet and date so many ppl., but few & far between will you meet that person that truely makes your heart skip a beat, and makes u smile just with the thought of them. I'm 28, and I've only a a few of those come into my life, I haven't dated for 3 yrs. b/c I haven't felt that way since, and I choose to not settle until I meet someone that makes me feel that way."

I thought, "Damn...what am I doing breaking this off?" Why am I being such a puss? I'm so damn scared, that I'm selling myself short of that possibility. At least she tried each time. And even if it didn't work out, she had no regrets. The few times you meet someone that makes you feel that way, u should give it your all. What am I more scared of? Getting rejected, or never meeting someone who makes me feel this way again? I don't wanna be jaded, but broken hearts mend. I think my prob is, I think wayy to much about everything. It's ok to psychoanalyze, but there are time when you should just sit back, chill, and let nature take it's course. I believe in love, and I hope I always do. That is what people everywhere search for, it's a reason why I live...

Can't wait for April 12th...Cubbies vs. Pirates! Oh yea baybee! Beer and hot dogs never tasted any better than they do at Wrigleyville! Terrace Reserve Season Tickets plus Glen & Patrik...World Series here we come! (knock on wood)

Joseph&me, Charmaine&Glen @Buzz on my B-Day

Deb, Me, my best friend, which I introduced to everyone like a gazillion times Becca (*mwah* i lub you!), and Aymeei

Officer Joseph,Charmaine,Glen, Deb & Me @Buzz on my B-Day

Andy, Me, and my new Thai bud Jeff @ Dragonfly

Me, Andy, and Missa @ Dragonfly

Yes...for those of u that didn't know..i DID indeed find my phone..or what was left of it.  Poor Jason...that HOT @$$ bartender had to listen to my incoherentness as I was frantically searching for the phone while still trying to flirt and keep balance. Am I multi-talented or what?